The story

Is there a difference between loving it vs your vision/path?

Let me rephrase: your passion vs your vision/path.

Stumbling, tumbling.

Where’s my joy?

& more.

  1. Go on a picnic/BBQ.
  2. Go hiking.
  3. Go biking across the bridge.
  4. Bake & cook & eat.
  5. Take a lot of pictures.
  6. Go see a show.
  7. Walk around NYC.
  8. Go to the beach.
  9. Lounge around at home and watch movies one after another.
  10. Eat something really unhealthy really late at night.
  11. Talk endlessly as the sun sets.
  12. Go for a drive.
  13. Drink boba tea and see who can spit out the bubble further.
  14. Draw portraits of each other.
  15. Go to museums.
  16. Go to a carnival, play games, eat shish kabobs.
  17. Go on a ferris wheel.
  18. Give kisses on the cheek.
  19. Go shot for shot until one of us passes out.
  20. Sit in front of a campfire and roast marshmallows.
  21. Look into the eyes and just smile for awhile. 
  22. Go shopping together.
  23. Hug tightly.
  24. Fake sick so I can ask him to do everything for me.
  25. Take long naps together. 
  26. Enjoy a cup of coffee together.
  27. Have a “wine & cheese” night.
  28. Play video games next to each other and competitively verse each other.
  29. Go to church together.
  30. Pray for him and ask him to pray for me.
  31. Go to the park with Tommy & him.
  32. Go to Ikea together.

I wanna do it with chu & more.

I would like to write a lot more.

But I wish I can stop writing about sad things.

The more I think about it, the more I try to rationalize things, the more I visit the homepage, the more I try not to think about it, the more I try to forget about it, the more I try to understand it, the more I sleep on it, the more I isolate myself, the more I distant myself …

The more I stir up my emotions and the more my understanding level drops.

I couldn’t be any more upset than this, I couldn’t be any more disappointed. But I turn around and ask myself, “Really? Did I not expect this at all?” It’s even more upsetting because I was expecting it. 

My pile of sadness, annoyance continues to grow day by day. My patience is held in place by a thread. Everything seems frustrating and it’s getting worse day by day. Like G said, “you have too much on your plate. But you have to deal with it because there isn’t a single thing that can be thrown away.” Academics, work, friendships, relationships, business, future, summer, living situations … just life. My entire life is on my plate and I don’t know what to fork first. My fork is hovering over my plate and I’m sitting there thinking, ‘which one should I choose first?’

So which one? 

I can’t even talk on the phone with my mom for long these days because when I hear her voice, even just a “hello?”, I would burst into tears and cry silently as she continues on. She told me today that I sounded tired. I had to hang up because I started tearing up. I couldn’t talk to her. I can’t show my parents how tired I am, how sad I am, how upset I am because I don’t want it to affect them. Sometimes, I wish I can let my guards down and express my frustrations. But … that day will never come. 

Putting on my beats now & I should really get rid of Facebook.

Damn you, Facebook.